Hot Josh the Comics Curmudgeon Weighs In

Remember hot gay Josh from show #5512? Well, (1) he's Not Gay Josh, and (2) he's written an extraordinarily detailed recap of his time on the show, and it's AMAZING. Check it out RIGHT HERE!

Thanks to Alonso for passing this on to me. This is AWESOME reading.

Show #5514

Now entering the studio are today's contestants:

Kathy, who seems sleepy.

James, who has Ken hair.

and Mark, who might be trying to look modest as Johnny announces his winnings, but with his jerky movements and his shifty eyes, looks more Tourrettesy than anything.

Let's Play!

I'm going to state, right now, that this is an actual quote from Alex, right at the top of the show: "Mark is a substitute teacher. Imagine how much better he would have done if he was a full-time teacher!" Alex has gone from petty intimidation and debasement to outright cruelty. Even the audience turned on him, "ooooo"-ing in shock. And Alex just laughed and laughed.

I always love the Stupid Answers category, because I can usually sweep it and feel superior. Except when it's not really a Stupid Answer, and it's tricky, and I screw up and feel dumb. But at least I don't do it on national TV, right, James?

Kathy's story involves what she has in common with Kirk Douglas, Viggo Mortensen, and Senator Susan Collins of Maine. She indicates that, "well, besides the obvious fact that we're all incredibly talented and attractive, we all went to the same college." Later, Alex refers back to this, stating that she's "talented and bright." No mention of "attractive." Oh, BURN, Alex! BURN!

Is Mark a flaming gay? I think the answer presents itself when Mark responds to a clue about a "stately" musical, "Oooooh-klahoma!" Gay gay gaaaaaaay!

Sarah the Clue Crew member is stuck in a freezer. I wonder if they locked the door and taunted her for awhile before letting her out. They'd never do that to Cheryl, cause she'd cut a bitch.

I am completely stymied by the category Double-Letter Geography until the very end, when I realize the double letters are inside the place names. This is Reason #289 why I blog about Jeopardy! and will never, ever appear on it.

Double Jeopardy!

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How's this for a Stupid Answer? In the poetry category, Alex states that "the abecedarian" form of poetry uses this as a guide. Alex pronounces it "A B C derian." No one got it.

I think it's misleading to call your category "Anagrams That Make Sense," and then drag out the most Byzantine word puzzles ever devised. Lewis Carroll would have stood up at his podium, baffled, going, "Jeez, I don't know. Are you guys serious?"

Mark correctly answers "panty raid" for one of the clues and looks as nervous and jittery as Cheryl did yesterday when faced with the word "erotic." Alex likes to watch you squirm.



Final Jeopardy!

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By this point in the game, I realize I've warmed up to Mark. He's no Ken, but he's no David Madden, either. I've also realized that I really don't want Ken-Hair James to win, and he's the first serious contender since Mark became champion. I feel bad for Kathy, though, who is smart and nice but just isn't a match for the other two

Final is pretty easy - Houdini seems like the only possible answer, and all three knew it - and Mark wagers well. Mark becomes a five-day champion with $141, 804. Mark and his square head will be back tomorrow, and so will I!

... but wait! Did Alex say the season was over tomorrow? Seriously!? OH NO!

Show #5513

Now entering the studio are today's contestants:

gabriel, a distractingly sexy fellow who spells his name lowercase, like k.d. lang

Cheryl, who is a computer programmer and looks it.

and Mark, who still looks uncomfortable and jittery after four days. Also: square.

Let's Play!

Alex, surprisingly, does not intimidate or harass Mark at the start of the day. I do notice he doesn't call him champ, either. Alex saves that for real winners.

I'm unsure that Cheryl understand the rules of the game, or even where she is. She rings in quickly, then grunt, "Uh! Uh! Um!" Like she's having a vaguely uncomfortable orgasm. This is not the last time Cheryl will confidently ring in while having no clue what the answer is. Cheryl, buddy, you're insulting Alex and embarrassing me. Stop it.

Gabriel - Gabe, really. Or gabe - gave answer of "aloe" before the commercial instead of "aloe vera." Which is fine, because as Alex approaches his podium, he leans over confidently to Our Man gabe and says, "We all know you meant to say another word there, you rapscallion. What was it?" And then gabe giggles and says, "vera," and then tells a story about languages no one cares about because we're all too busy gazing into gabe's eyes.

Cheryl, the computer programmer, also collects comic books. All right, I'm intrigued. She has 1,500 - an all right collection - and her favorite character is safe choice Batman. Then Alex, out of nowhere, asks her if she likes the Sub-Mariner. Cheryl is thrown. So am I. My husband Shawn comments, "Alex likes comics about aquatic men in short-shorts?" Yep.

Mark tells a story about being a substitute teacher that no one cares about, especially Alex, who talks over him because Mark is easily intimidated. For some reason, I was certain Mark was going to say, "The life of a substitute is a capricious business," but Mark again failed me.

Double Jeopardy!

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Alex refers to a painting as "erotic," which flusters and embarrasses Cheryl, who is a computer programmer. She answers sheepishly, on the verge of tears, because she has a sudden and overwhelming need to wash her hands, wash them clean, oh, she is so DIRTY, Cheryl is DIRTY and I just have to ... to clean, just have to CLEAN, and ... Um. Wow. So that happened.

Is Jimmy the only member of the Clue Crew on today? Here's something I wonder, honestly: they have a contestant named Cheryl; does that mean they wouldn't use Cheryl from the Clue Crew, to avoid confusion? (Conclewsion?) I remember when two girls of the same name were in the Teen Tournament Final Round together, and one of them had to change her name to Fred, because of the potential confusion and because Fred was AWESOME. I digress...

Cheryl incorrectly guesses "Palm Springs," and then mutters the correct answer after she's wrong. I don't know who's stupider: Cheryl for muttering, or Mark and gabe for not scooping the answer. Alex has decided, though: not only does he rub it in that that's not how Jeopardy! is played, Cheryl, but then when Mark gets the Daily Double, Alex states, "This works for you, because of Cheryl misspeaking." I'm not making that up! Alex, she's a computer programmer with likely way more Batman comics than she's letting on. Leave the poor woman alone!

Mark tries to joke and have a rapport with Alex like he's Ken Jennings. I will remind you, Mark, that I know Ken Jennings. And you, sir, are no Ken Jennings.

gabe knows a little something about the ballet, and grins ADORABLY when he gets it right. My point being that gabe is beautiful and bearded, like Josh from yesterday. Uh-oh.


Final Jeopardy!

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It's a Civil War question, something about which Union state gave up slavery after the confederacy. I guessed Vermont, because I know nothing about American History except that William Henry Harrison died in thirty days. When it became obvious that I was wrong, I began guessing far more likely answers: "Utah! Alaska! Guam!" I'm appalling.

Mark again guesses correctly - Maryland - and becomes a 4-day champion with $105, 003. Mark and his square head will be back tomorrow, and so will I!

My Dream Game

You know what would be an awesome game to see? Ken Jennings vs. David Madden vs. Larissa Kelly. Let's take a look:

Ken - Won $2,522,700 over seventy-five games, making him the highest earner ever, and also a minor god.

David - Won $432,400 over twenty games, making him the second highest earner ever, after Ken.

Larissa - Won $223,597 over seven games, making her the highest female earner ever, and third place only after Ken and David.

I would love to watch stoic Larissa and energetic Ken beat the stuffing out of David's smug little face. Oh, how I'd laugh!

These are the things I think about when my mind wanders. God, I wish Larissa could have beaten David's record.

Show #5512

Now entering the studio are today's contestants:

Josh, A hot gay with a comics blog.

Joanne, who is dull.

and Mark, who won yesterday and still features a head so squarish it could be mistaken for a Honda Element with hair.

Let's Play!

Alex starts the day as usual, with smiling humiliation. "You remember Daniel, from yesterday?" Alex asks Mark, who might be sweating and crying inside. "He was a much better player than you, wasn't he? I wish he was here today instead of you, because he was brilliant, and you are a disappointment who got lucky. Make the first selection!" (Note: Specific quotes may or may not be made up.)

They have a Poe category? And a Pop Culture one!? Hooray for me! (Though this bodes poorly for Double Jeopardy...)

You notice Alex has been more into people's stories this week than usual? Maybe the producers told him to lay off the smug until Celebrity Jeopardy!

Speaking of the stories: Josh, as stated above, writes a comic blog, specializing in the old romance comics. "Like Rex Morgan?" Alex asks, to which Josh replies, "Rex MORGAN!" Gay gay gaaaay! Which is okay, because Josh is cubbish and cute, and his blog is pretty funny. Joanne tells a story as dull as her hairstyle and Alex interrupts Mark's story to make an age joke about Johnny Gilbert. Johnny never responds to these jokes, which unnerves me a little. One, it's like Alex is laughing at thin air, and two, it leads me to think that Johnny's quietly muttering Alex's name somewhere, and perhaps sharpening something.

Joanne says "Amontillado" and pronounces the Ls like Ls instead of like a Y. That's not right, is it? And while we're on the subject, Josh says "suffragist" instead of "suffragette" for a "female agitator for women's voting rights." Which, by the way? Wrong. The key word here is female, and suffragists can be ladies or dudes. When Alex is wrong, it's like Mr. Rogers lying to you. (When Alex is abusive, it's like any episode of Mr. Wizard's World.)


Double Jeopardy!

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Yep, see, I knew we'd pay for two cool categories in the first round. First category here? State Fish. Awesome.

One of the clues references Mr. Hand from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. My husband Shawn turned to me and said, "Um. Did Alex just make a masturbation reference?" Is this shame or pride that I'm feeling?

I hope my friend Tracey is watching this across town. One of her favorite phrases ever is "whole hog." And now we know the origin!

The Clue Crew is all over the Sleep Center category - which, by the way is horrifying. Every patient looks like Hannibal Lector. I'm always intrigued by which Clue Crew members get to be in a category. Cheryl, Sarah, and Jimmy are all present, but Kelly and Jon are mysteriously absent. Maybe plotting with Johnny?

Josh knows all about CPAP machines. It's fun to be a bear!

All right, I've verified that the term "scrapple" makes me giggle.


Final Jeopardy!

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I was unaware that Israel was an invention of the 20th Century. Shawn was incredulous. "They teach that in high school!" Awesome.

Hot Josh was putting up a good fight there for awhile, but no one beats Honda Element Skull. The correct answer is "Golda Mier," which Mark guessed correctly ... but spelled incorrectly, as Alex pointedly remarks, then goes on at length about. I don't think they let Alex into the meeting that decided that misspelled answers in Final counted as right answers. Alex is pissed.

Which means! Mark's at a 3-day win with a grand total of $81,402! He'll be back tomorrow, and so will I!