Friday, September 5, 2008

Regarding Waiting...

I know there hasn't been a recap in awhile. Hiatuses make these things hard, and I chose not to recap reruns. Never fear! When the show comes back on for its new season, you'll get your daily recap! Hooray!

Friday, August 1, 2008

Tournament of Champions 2008: Day 2

Now entering the studio are today's "former champions":

  • Craig, that guy who looks like he's had plastic surgery but likely hasn't.
  • Nick, Clark Kent on meth.
  • and Celeste, who seems angry and uncomfortable to be here.

    Let's Play!

  • I like how we don't even have to wait until Alex comes onstage for the ridicule and mockery to begin. Johnny Gilbert's pronounciation of "former champions" might as well have been followed with "...and current losers."

  • I'm just going to admit it: I love, love, LOVE the term "Nifty Nine."

  • Does Alex always indicate that the first round is easier to make the contestants relax, or to make them feel bad if they fuck up? What do you think?

  • My husband, when the Director's Chair clue is "Pirahna II: The Spawning and The Terminator": "OH!!! OH!!! JOHN SALES! JOHN SALES!" Wow. Also, what's with Alex pronouncing it "pirania?" It sounds like a theme park for carniverous fish: "Come One, Come All! At Pirania, you'll have a ball! And also a full-sized cow you can devour in less than five minutes!"

  • Craig is entertaining all of us with his Joanne from Last Week impression, what with the ringing in and not having the slightest idea of what the question is. Sack up, Craig! Head in the game!

  • Craig indicates that, with his winnings, he bought an El Camino to look "macho." This is along the lines of wearing a beret to look "heterosexual." Nick lost twenty-five pounds and likes the word "holistic." Celeste has finally managed to be interesting, telling a fun story about renting a house in Tuscany ... during which Alex promptly cuts her off, shaming her for attempting to have a personality. (He also rubs it in that Nick has no money. Rare form, Alex, rare form!)

  • Craig has $5,000 and makes it a true Daily Double, gets the question, and is suddenly my favorite contestant. I'm a sucker for major wagers.

    Double Jeopardy!

  • Somehow, Alex makes Nick's weight loss sound like a failure. Hooray!

  • Celeste's guess of Zora Neale Hurston as the author of Jewels and Zoya makes me giggle. And it's funny, because I would have pegged Celeste as a HUGE Danielle Steel fan. Maybe if the clue had included The Klone and I. (That's the book that featured not one but TWO Danielle Steels on the back. One's a Klone!)

  • The Machu Picchu category features video clues of Alex in Peru. He looks really good in sweaters! Alex needs to get casual more often.

  • Craig knows all about Annie Get Your Gun. That El Camino's really working out for you, isn't it, Craig?

  • $6,000 Daily Double!? Go Craig!

  • Me: "Carnival glass!" Shawn: "How did you KNOW that?" Me: "Needful Things." When obsessions collide.

    Final Jeopardy!

  • At this point, I'm really glad my friend Mark isn't here. He uses the term "Pyrrhic victory" more often than one might expect, and would likely ridicule and shame me for not knowing this one. It'd be like Alex was here!

  • Major Wager Craig wins and moves into the Nifty Nine! Hooray!
  • The Lateness

    Well, you caught me out.

    Because I'm an idiot, when Alex told us last Friday that the season would be ending, I believed him. This is in fact ╦ćnot the case. Instead, there's a whole Tournament of Champions going on right under my nose that I was erroneously ignoring. To make matters worse, my g-d TiVo erased Friday's AND Monday's games, so I have no idea what happened. *shakes tiny fist!*

    Thankfully, avid reader Tom Devlin stepped up last night and alerted me to the error of my ways. So stay tuned: recaps for Tuesday and Wednesday on their way, with Thursday and Friday hopefully coming tomorrow.

    Again, I really apologize for this. Can you find it in your hearts to forgive me?

    Friday, July 25, 2008

    Hot Josh the Comics Curmudgeon Weighs In

    Remember hot gay Josh from show #5512? Well, (1) he's Not Gay Josh, and (2) he's written an extraordinarily detailed recap of his time on the show, and it's AMAZING. Check it out RIGHT HERE!

    Thanks to Alonso for passing this on to me. This is AWESOME reading.

    Show #5514

    Now entering the studio are today's contestants:

  • Kathy, who seems sleepy.
  • James, who has Ken hair.
  • and Mark, who might be trying to look modest as Johnny announces his winnings, but with his jerky movements and his shifty eyes, looks more Tourrettesy than anything.

    Let's Play!

  • I'm going to state, right now, that this is an actual quote from Alex, right at the top of the show: "Mark is a substitute teacher. Imagine how much better he would have done if he was a full-time teacher!" Alex has gone from petty intimidation and debasement to outright cruelty. Even the audience turned on him, "ooooo"-ing in shock. And Alex just laughed and laughed.

  • I always love the Stupid Answers category, because I can usually sweep it and feel superior. Except when it's not really a Stupid Answer, and it's tricky, and I screw up and feel dumb. But at least I don't do it on national TV, right, James?

  • Kathy's story involves what she has in common with Kirk Douglas, Viggo Mortensen, and Senator Susan Collins of Maine. She indicates that, "well, besides the obvious fact that we're all incredibly talented and attractive, we all went to the same college." Later, Alex refers back to this, stating that she's "talented and bright." No mention of "attractive." Oh, BURN, Alex! BURN!

  • Is Mark a flaming gay? I think the answer presents itself when Mark responds to a clue about a "stately" musical, "Oooooh-klahoma!" Gay gay gaaaaaaay!

  • Sarah the Clue Crew member is stuck in a freezer. I wonder if they locked the door and taunted her for awhile before letting her out. They'd never do that to Cheryl, cause she'd cut a bitch.

  • I am completely stymied by the category Double-Letter Geography until the very end, when I realize the double letters are inside the place names. This is Reason #289 why I blog about Jeopardy! and will never, ever appear on it.

    Double Jeopardy!

  • How's this for a Stupid Answer? In the poetry category, Alex states that "the abecedarian" form of poetry uses this as a guide. Alex pronounces it "A B C derian." No one got it.

  • I think it's misleading to call your category "Anagrams That Make Sense," and then drag out the most Byzantine word puzzles ever devised. Lewis Carroll would have stood up at his podium, baffled, going, "Jeez, I don't know. Are you guys serious?"

  • Mark correctly answers "panty raid" for one of the clues and looks as nervous and jittery as Cheryl did yesterday when faced with the word "erotic." Alex likes to watch you squirm.

    Final Jeopardy!

  • By this point in the game, I realize I've warmed up to Mark. He's no Ken, but he's no David Madden, either. I've also realized that I really don't want Ken-Hair James to win, and he's the first serious contender since Mark became champion. I feel bad for Kathy, though, who is smart and nice but just isn't a match for the other two

  • Final is pretty easy - Houdini seems like the only possible answer, and all three knew it - and Mark wagers well. Mark becomes a five-day champion with $141, 804. Mark and his square head will be back tomorrow, and so will I!

  • ... but wait! Did Alex say the season was over tomorrow? Seriously!? OH NO!
  • Thursday, July 24, 2008

    Show #5513

    Now entering the studio are today's contestants:

  • gabriel, a distractingly sexy fellow who spells his name lowercase, like k.d. lang
  • Cheryl, who is a computer programmer and looks it.
  • and Mark, who still looks uncomfortable and jittery after four days. Also: square.

    Let's Play!

  • Alex, surprisingly, does not intimidate or harass Mark at the start of the day. I do notice he doesn't call him champ, either. Alex saves that for real winners.

  • I'm unsure that Cheryl understand the rules of the game, or even where she is. She rings in quickly, then grunt, "Uh! Uh! Um!" Like she's having a vaguely uncomfortable orgasm. This is not the last time Cheryl will confidently ring in while having no clue what the answer is. Cheryl, buddy, you're insulting Alex and embarrassing me. Stop it.

  • Gabriel - Gabe, really. Or gabe - gave answer of "aloe" before the commercial instead of "aloe vera." Which is fine, because as Alex approaches his podium, he leans over confidently to Our Man gabe and says, "We all know you meant to say another word there, you rapscallion. What was it?" And then gabe giggles and says, "vera," and then tells a story about languages no one cares about because we're all too busy gazing into gabe's eyes.

  • Cheryl, the computer programmer, also collects comic books. All right, I'm intrigued. She has 1,500 - an all right collection - and her favorite character is safe choice Batman. Then Alex, out of nowhere, asks her if she likes the Sub-Mariner. Cheryl is thrown. So am I. My husband Shawn comments, "Alex likes comics about aquatic men in short-shorts?" Yep.

  • Mark tells a story about being a substitute teacher that no one cares about, especially Alex, who talks over him because Mark is easily intimidated. For some reason, I was certain Mark was going to say, "The life of a substitute is a capricious business," but Mark again failed me.

  • Double Jeopardy!

  • Alex refers to a painting as "erotic," which flusters and embarrasses Cheryl, who is a computer programmer. She answers sheepishly, on the verge of tears, because she has a sudden and overwhelming need to wash her hands, wash them clean, oh, she is so DIRTY, Cheryl is DIRTY and I just have to ... to clean, just have to CLEAN, and ... Um. Wow. So that happened.

  • Is Jimmy the only member of the Clue Crew on today? Here's something I wonder, honestly: they have a contestant named Cheryl; does that mean they wouldn't use Cheryl from the Clue Crew, to avoid confusion? (Conclewsion?) I remember when two girls of the same name were in the Teen Tournament Final Round together, and one of them had to change her name to Fred, because of the potential confusion and because Fred was AWESOME. I digress...

  • Cheryl incorrectly guesses "Palm Springs," and then mutters the correct answer after she's wrong. I don't know who's stupider: Cheryl for muttering, or Mark and gabe for not scooping the answer. Alex has decided, though: not only does he rub it in that that's not how Jeopardy! is played, Cheryl, but then when Mark gets the Daily Double, Alex states, "This works for you, because of Cheryl misspeaking." I'm not making that up! Alex, she's a computer programmer with likely way more Batman comics than she's letting on. Leave the poor woman alone!

  • Mark tries to joke and have a rapport with Alex like he's Ken Jennings. I will remind you, Mark, that I know Ken Jennings. And you, sir, are no Ken Jennings.

  • gabe knows a little something about the ballet, and grins ADORABLY when he gets it right. My point being that gabe is beautiful and bearded, like Josh from yesterday. Uh-oh.

    Final Jeopardy!

  • It's a Civil War question, something about which Union state gave up slavery after the confederacy. I guessed Vermont, because I know nothing about American History except that William Henry Harrison died in thirty days. When it became obvious that I was wrong, I began guessing far more likely answers: "Utah! Alaska! Guam!" I'm appalling.

  • Mark again guesses correctly - Maryland - and becomes a 4-day champion with $105, 003. Mark and his square head will be back tomorrow, and so will I!
  • Wednesday, July 23, 2008

    My Dream Game

    You know what would be an awesome game to see? Ken Jennings vs. David Madden vs. Larissa Kelly. Let's take a look:

    Ken - Won $2,522,700 over seventy-five games, making him the highest earner ever, and also a minor god.

    David - Won $432,400 over twenty games, making him the second highest earner ever, after Ken.

    Larissa - Won $223,597 over seven games, making her the highest female earner ever, and third place only after Ken and David.

    I would love to watch stoic Larissa and energetic Ken beat the stuffing out of David's smug little face. Oh, how I'd laugh!

    These are the things I think about when my mind wanders. God, I wish Larissa could have beaten David's record.